How to help my pre-teen through my divorce

A pre-teen child might now be old enough to pick up on the tension, to understand that the family is going through changes, and to ask some rather sharp questions. At the same time, they are still young enough to quietly wonder if they had done anything to cause it.

When you're going through a divorce, there's no need for a perfectly delivered speech; all your child needs is honest information suitable for their age, an understanding of what's going to happen next, and the chance to have all sorts of complicated feelings about it.

Tell them what’s happening—and what isn’t their job

If you and your co-parent are able to have the discussion together in a calm manner, then do so. If that isn't possible, it is all right to talk to your child on your own. Make the explanation simple:

We have concluded that we won’t be getting married any more. It’s a decision for adults and is not the result of anything you have or haven’t done; you needn’t try to fix it or pick a side. We’ll let you know what we know about the plan and keep you informed.

If your pre-teen asks 'why', provide them with a honest reply that takes into account their age without giving them the specifics of your marriage. Saying "We've had problems that we haven't been able to work through" is sufficient. They have no need to know about affairs, financial matters, court filings, or who you think is at fault.

Answer the questions they’re actually asking

It is common for parents to anticipate being asked "Do you still love each other?" only to be answered with "Am I still going to soccer on Tuesdays?"

That question is important. Since your child is trying to imagine their future, you should tell them everything you know regarding where they will live, when they will see each parent, how they will get to school, and what will happen to their pets and their activities. If you don't know at this stage, just say so plainly:

We still haven't worked out the holiday schedule and I realise that must be annoying. We'll inform you as soon as we have one and you can always ask me about it.

Avoid making the statement that nothing at all will change; instead, make it a point to share the changes whenever you find out about them.

Let them love both parents

It shouldn't be necessary for your pre-teen to curb what they say in order to protect your feelings. While they are with you they might long for their other parent and they might also be angry with that parent on one day and then want to call them the next. That's all right.

Don't ask your child to pass on messages, to keep an eye on what's going on in the other house, or to offer your opinion about adult arguments. And if they say to you, "I wish I were at Mom's house" or "Dad lets me do this", pause for a moment before replying; you might respond by saying, "I can see that you miss them", without having to agree with all their complaints or turning the situation into an argument.

Where a parent is found to be unsafe, the method adopted must take into account your child's real safety needs. Simply because you wish to support the child's relationship with both parents should never be used as a justification for ignoring abuse or for putting the child in danger.

Expect feelings to show up sideways

Certain pre-teens will talk, while others will say that they're fine before having a fit because of a missing hoodie. You may see an increase in irritability, a tendency to be clingy, difficulty in sleeping, problems at school, or an unexpected desire to know precisely what the weekend plans are.

It's not necessary to turn each car trip into an opportunity for checking in about your feelings. Instead, go for an open door:

You needn't go into talk about the divorce at the moment. If there's anything about it that's bothering you—or if you simply want to find out what the plan is—you can ask me.

Also invite them into normal situations such as a walk, a game, or a snack after school; frequent availability is more important than coming up with the exact question.

Keep a few things predictable

Divorce has a great deal of impact. The usual routines can provide your pre-teen with a stable foundation. Maintain the ones which you reasonably can—such as bedtime, the trips to activities, time spent with friends, and the little rituals that make home feel like home.

The two families need not have the same rules. It is better to have clear expectations and a regular schedule than to hold a competition to see which house is "more fun". If changes to the plans are necessary, make sure to give your child as much notice as possible.

Get your own support

You have a right to feel furious, heartbroken, relieved, scared, or all of these emotions. It isn't for your pre-teen to be the one who helps you bear those feelings. Instead, turn to friends, members of your family, a therapist, or some other reliable adult.

You can still tell your child the truth by saying, “I'm feeling sad today and I'm looking after myself.” This demonstrates to them that it's possible to deal with emotions without making them responsible for your care.

When is the right time to think about getting your pre-teen help?

The fact that it's difficult to get used to doesn't mean on its own that your child needs therapy, but if their distress continues, is increasing, or is having an effect on their sleep, school, friendships, or normal daily activities, then it's a good idea to consult a pediatrician or a child and teen behavioral health coach. Likewise, you might look for support as a parent even if your child isn't ready to see a therapist.

You don't need to get one conversation perfectly right in order to divorce it; it involves a number of check-ins, making the practical arrangements, carrying out repairs when you go wrong, and serving as a reminder that your child is loved and that the adults are looking after the adult decisions.

I practice as a behavioral health coach in Seattle and provide services to teenagers, parents, and families through the Grimalkin Counseling Group.

Further reading

- American Academy of Pediatrics: How to Talk to Your Children About Divorce (https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-to-Talk-to-Your-Children-about-Divorce.aspx)

- American Academy of Pediatrics: How to Support Children After Separation or Divorce (https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Building-Resilience/Pages/How-to-Support-Children-after-Parents-Separate-or-Divorce.aspx)